The Lodestar

A united and loving couple is certainly beautiful, reflecting Christ’s own close unity and relationship with the church as his body. Unfortunately, marriages frequently deteriorate into something closer to hell. Can we predict which marriages are likely to break up?

Both “arranged” and “love” marriages begin with some comfort with the other’s communication, values, personality and faith. Respectful, friendly two-way communication and the sharing of interests, ideas, and goals follow. This friendship deepens into a stronger connection of love and intimacy. Over time, this turns into a strong sense of unity and partnership– the leaving and cleaving of Genesis 2:24.

The wedding ceremony comes early in the process for some; for others, romance and love come first. Neither love, nor family traditions, nor religion can compensate if the couple does not work to climb these four steps leading upward towards a stable, godly marriage.

Acceptance, Respect and Equality

Does a partner show disrespect for the other’s work, family or habits? Do they graciously accept the idiosyncrasies of the other? Do they look down on the other? Unfortunately, Christians are not immune to prejudice and sin. They often look for money, beauty, dowry, a job abroad, a big house or a car. These attitudes cause early cracks in the marriage.

Friendship

Do spouses think of the other as their best friend, and enjoy time together? Often, Christian men prefer talking to male friends, while women prefer talking to friends or family. But the closest friend and confidante should be the spouse.

Love and intimacy

Christians often make the mistake of showing love in their own way (their ‘love language’). Unless both humbly learn each other’s love language, there will be a perceived lack of love that can damage a relationship.

Physical intimacy is best segued into after already developing respect and friendship. Problems in this area, often unaddressed, can become a source of stress and shame.

Unity and partnership

If a couple has not achieved some sense of unity and partnership, their marriage is certainly in danger. Are they united in relating to both families and work? In parenting, finances, and their work? Do they encourage each other’s gifts and service, pray, dream and cry together?

When marriages break

The process is often the opposite, almost like climbing down the four steps.

The first step downward is to lose whatever unity had formed. Each begins making individual decisions. They may never resolve conflicts over relationships, parenting, or finances.

The next is the “emotional divorce”. The couple may drift apart or begin fighting frequently. Each may get busy with work, may no longer share physical intimacy, find emotional support elsewhere. This is often the stage when extra-marital affairs happen.

Friendship is lost next. As the marriage heads downwards, couples may avoid spending time together or live separate lives under the same roof. The only thing they may share is events around the children or the families, which they may keep up with.

The last step is finding everything about the other distasteful. In place of acceptance and respect, and meaningful communication, resentment, anger, mockery, and a need to hurt the other may become obvious.

The final step of a legal divorce is really the culmination of this long process.

How does one prevent this sad scenario?

Those who find themselves stuck on any of the lower steps need to work their way upward. Begin with acceptance and respect your partner as your equal. Build a friendship. Start showing love and carefully rebuild intimacy and unity.

This can only be done with humility, asking God’s wisdom, to focus on your mistakes, rather than others’. Get help from godly counsellors – not families, preferably – and professionals if required.

May God create thousands of wonderful, stable marriages that bring him glory.

(Jamila Koshy is a Christian psychiatrist with over 30 years' experience, living in Bangalore. She is interested in helping people build healthy minds, marriages and families by treating illness and preventing problems through awareness and teaching.)